I’m excited to introduce a twitter friend that has agreed to guest blog on Mommy Coach. Anne Marie is a mother of two and has many times offered me sound advice when I ask for it on twitter. She chose to talk about Postpartum Depression which I am very happy about since this is an experience I have thankfully never experienced. For more information or if you have any questions please visit Anne on Twitter under @BaybeeButtons.
The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn
I am so grateful to Julie for giving me this opportunity to guest write a post for her blog. She said that I could write about anything I wanted to so I have chosen a topic that I think really needs to be addressed more: Postpartum Depression. It is a terrible condition that mainly affects women from industrialized countries. It can range from having thoughts about harming yourself to being a blubbering fool that can’t get off the couch for weeks. It can last as little as two weeks or as long as a year. After I had my first baby I described myself as having bad nerves, or anxiety, or severe exhaustion. There was too much stigma for me to admit that I might have Postpartum Depression. But have it I most certainly did. I never once thought about suicide or doing anything to the baby. I didn’t resent him at all. I loved him to pieces. I felt like a complete failure though, because I was SO SAD. I felt useless. I couldn’t feed him properly, I couldn’t keep my house clean, I couldn’t stop crying. I was fighting with my husband. It was awful. In the end it took me about 5 months to get out of my depression. It was a living hell and when I look at my son’s baby pictures it makes me really sad that I missed out on so much joy. I’m also deeply embarrassed that I was such a wreck. Happily, I learned A LOT from that experience. I learned how to be so much more compassionate to other moms and…. drumroll please… I learned how to avoid it the second time around! Because PPD is so horrible, I thought I would take this chance to share what I learned with you so that other moms who might be in the same boat can have an easier time the first, second or third time around. (If you’re having your fourth or more I sort of expect that you have things all figured out by now.) Before I get started with my list of ways to avoid Postpartum Depression I want to tell you that all the research says that if you’ve had PPD once you are more likely to get it with subsequent pregnancies. Don’t let that stress you out. It doesn’t have to be true in your case. Here are some steps you can take to minimize that risk.
1. Accept help, from anyone!Our society teaches us that pregnant women are superhuman and that it is a sign of weakness to need help with something as natural as becoming a mother. This is total and utter crap. There is a reason that PPD is almost non-existant in Africa. When a woman has a baby there, her mother, aunts, sisters, grandmothers, neighbours come to her house and cook and clean and keep her company. That is what you need. You just had a baby and you need help. So, if your overbearing mother-in-law offers to come over and tidy up for you, say yes. If anyone, even a friend of a friend that you hardly know, drops by with a casserole, accept it graciously. If your husband offers to take the baby so you can have a shower or power nap, kiss him and thank your lucky stars that you have a husband who is willing to help. And if you’re reading this blog and you don’t have any children but have a friend or relative with a newborn you can and should help. Even if you’re out of town you can have meals delivered to the new mom’s home. (Just avoid Chinese if the mom is breastfeeding. That stuff will make baby gassy and they’ll both be up all night!) Anyone that is visiting a new parent should only plan to stay for 20 minutes unless they are there to clean. Anyone that drops in should offer to do something like carry a laundry basket upstairs, or take out the garbage. If they don’t offer, ask! Don’t be too proud.
2. Plan ahead.When I was pregnant with my first child I was so tired all the time that I didn’t make up any meals to put in the freezer for later. I actually remember saying to my mom, “you know, I think it will be just as easy to cook up some spaghetti after I have the baby as it is now, when I’m so tired.” Ha! I wasn’t counting on having a baby that took 45 minutes to nurse, slept for 20 minute intervals and then wanted to nurse again. Little did I know. So, even though you’re exhausted now, you will thank yourself later if you have a freezer full of meals to pull out on the hardest days. Some suggestions are lasagna, spaghetti sauce, chicken pot pie, tortiere, shepherd’s pie, soups, and stews. I would avoid chili because, if you’re nursing, that will make the baby gassy too. Anything that gives you heartburn or gas is going todo the same to the baby, so keep that in mind. Gas is a huge problem in newborns. Chances are, if they’re fed and dry and still crying, it’s probably gas.
3. Know how you’re going to feed the baby.If you know that you’re going to go straight to the bottle then be confident in that decision and don’t even discuss it with anyone. Doing so will only make you feel guilty. If you plan to breastfeed, book a lactation consultant to come to your home as soon as you have the baby. If you have any trouble nursing, knowing that help is on its way will keep you going. If breastfeeding is going well it will be nice to have an expert confirm that you are doing it properly. An extra confidence boost can’t hurt!
4. Know your triggers.
What turned you into a crying mess with your first pregnancy? Was it a certain time of day, feelings of isolation, or loneliness? Both of my children were winter babies and I had a hard time with the sun setting so early. After my daughter was born, as soon as the daylight started to fade I would ask my husband to take us all for a drive. We would drive out into the country, listening to music, and it helped me to not feel so creepy. If you can’t do that you might try turning on all the lights and playing some upbeat music at home. Sometimes the radio helps because it makes you feel connected to the outside world. If isolation is your trigger, take the kids outside and get some fresh air. The exercise alone will help boost your spirits and the change of scenery will be just what you need. If you find yourself suffering from loneliness then make up a list of people and invite them over one day at a time. Knowing that a friend is coming over at 2pm will get you through some of your darker moments. If this isn’t possible then phone a loved one or just take the baby and get out in public.
What turned you into a crying mess with your first pregnancy? Was it a certain time of day, feelings of isolation, or loneliness? Both of my children were winter babies and I had a hard time with the sun setting so early. After my daughter was born, as soon as the daylight started to fade I would ask my husband to take us all for a drive. We would drive out into the country, listening to music, and it helped me to not feel so creepy. If you can’t do that you might try turning on all the lights and playing some upbeat music at home. Sometimes the radio helps because it makes you feel connected to the outside world. If isolation is your trigger, take the kids outside and get some fresh air. The exercise alone will help boost your spirits and the change of scenery will be just what you need. If you find yourself suffering from loneliness then make up a list of people and invite them over one day at a time. Knowing that a friend is coming over at 2pm will get you through some of your darker moments. If this isn’t possible then phone a loved one or just take the baby and get out in public.
5. Go easy on yourself.
In The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, Vicki Iovine says, “It takes 9 months to put the weight on, it will take 9 months to take it off.” Don’t expect to look like your old self right away. Take it slow and appreciate what your body just went through. You created another human being! Of course your body adjusted to that. Do exercise as soon as you feel well enough to because it will help you to feel better about yourself. But don’t beat yourself up if the weight doesn’t come off quickly. Going easy on yourself also means that you need to ease up on your housekeeping standards, at least for the first little while. Yes, everyone still needs to eat off of clean dishes and wear clean clothes. If, however, you have visions of the State declaring you an unfit mother and taking your children away from you because the mail is piling up on the kitchen counter or your baseboards are getting dusty, perhaps you need to chill.
In The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, Vicki Iovine says, “It takes 9 months to put the weight on, it will take 9 months to take it off.” Don’t expect to look like your old self right away. Take it slow and appreciate what your body just went through. You created another human being! Of course your body adjusted to that. Do exercise as soon as you feel well enough to because it will help you to feel better about yourself. But don’t beat yourself up if the weight doesn’t come off quickly. Going easy on yourself also means that you need to ease up on your housekeeping standards, at least for the first little while. Yes, everyone still needs to eat off of clean dishes and wear clean clothes. If, however, you have visions of the State declaring you an unfit mother and taking your children away from you because the mail is piling up on the kitchen counter or your baseboards are getting dusty, perhaps you need to chill.
6. Don’t forget about Dad.Husbands need care too. Chances are they are almost (disclaimer: I did say *almost*) as sleep deprived as you and they are adjusting to having a new baby as well. Yes, they haven’t gone through the physical changes but they have temporarily lost their best friend and that is hard on them. Make it easier on your husband and you make it easier on yourself. You need him on your team. Ask for his help. Do not expect him to just offer and then start huge, nasty fights fuelled by exhaustion when he doesn’t. Also, make some time for him. I know you’re feeling like you’re the last spoonful of peanut butter being stretched to your limit to cover the toast but this is possible. Spend time with him while you feed the baby instead of locking yourself away in a different room. Send him a sweet text while he’s at work. Just let him know that you haven’t forgotten about him.
7. See the light.In your most difficult moments remind yourself that it will get easier. The first two weeks are the hardest and after that things get better day by day. Know that your child will not be a year old and still waking every two hours. You will get the hang of breastfeeding and your child will grow and thrive. You will get to have a hot meal again one day soon. One thing that really helped me after my son was born was talking to my sister. Her daughter started sleeping 12 hours in a row at 3 months. Even though I knew that might not happen for me, the very fact that I knew that it was possible gave me something to hope for.
I followed all of these steps while I was pregnant with my daughter and after her birth. I was so much more relaxed and was able to honestly enjoy her first weeks of life. I still had some difficulties and there were even a couple of days when I cried a little bit, but I didn’t feel like I was living in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I remember the nurse who gave me a tour of the hospital when I was pregnant with my son saying, “don’t feel bad if you have to ask for help. Babies don’t come with instructions. The second and third ones do, but not the first.” She was absolutely right. So don’t let the fact that you may have had PPD before spoil the joy of being pregnant again. If you prepare yourself properly, there is a very good chance that you won’t get it at all and will have a very pleasant experience with your newborn. Having children is a wonderful gift that not everyone gets. Enjoy your blessing and don’t get bogged down in the details.
Julie Chapko 